So this is what they called confidence?

They say, the only thing permanent is change. And what do you call it when something or someone goes through a sequence of changes and comes-out as something or someone completely different? Transformation, isn’t it? 

Life is indeed a set of phases, twists and turns. Often it gets completely transformed after a drastic moment or a collection of incidents. I am no exception.

I know I have been writing on nostalgia for quite a while and some of my readers might be wondering why do I talk about it so much. Apparently, I haven’t grown out of the initial decades of my life or what. Well, here’s the thing. 

I realize, there’s a sharp line between being nostalgic and casually looking back. The latter happens with me most often. Its reason being that I am always checking myself and preparing for the upcoming. I believe in competing with no-one else but self. Usually, I am simply having the mesmerizing view turning back at a point of relief in my uphill journey. Mesmerizing because I embrace my past with its imperfections alongwith the beauty. 

In one such self-analysis today, I recall the times my ‘confidence’ had hit below zero and I had no idea where to go from there. Now, I think I have gained it back in multiples but wondering whether I am on the right track or not. 

By now, most of my contacts are aware that I have taken a plunge into the field of writing, almost giving up the profession that I had formally studied for. I had always been writing subconsciously (for example, diary entry and contributing in school magazines) ever since I was as young as when I was attending my primary classes. But taking it up as a career came to me gradually and eventually. And I guess I am doing well. At least given the fact that I haven’t taken any professional education for this purpose. 

As I figure-out what should be the next step on the path, I compare my present self with who I was. One of the traits I majorly compare amongst the others is – confidence. Then I wonder whether I have gained enough of it yet.

Back then, I used to feel so uneasy praising myself that I had gone extremely inferior in my own perception at one point of time. If ever I tried doing that, I used to feel guilty of boasting. If and when someone else complimented me for a quality, a possession or any such thing for that matter, that would suffice. Then, amusingly, came a day in my job-search when I was criticised for not being able to ‘sell myself enough’ (it still made me laugh as I wrote this blog today). I would still feel like looking down upon others, each time I praised myself. Even till few days back, I carried the same instinct of refraining from praising myself. I was too sensitive to underline my own accomplishments in the fear of hurting others.

Turns-out, it was probably one of the biggest mistakes I was doing. And guess what, it feels such a relief to have come out of it to a considerable extent. I feel like having developed so much confidence within that sometimes I feel like floating in the air. 😀

But then, they also say that basic nature remains intact throughout the course of life. So, the inner me wonders what exactly is confidence. Each time someone pointed-out in my past that I lacked confidence, is this what it meant? Have I finally learnt to ‘sell myself’? 😀 Was I really being an emotional fool whenever I was empathetic about others’ emotions? I wonder what exactly is confidence. Your opinion is welcome. I will be looking forward to the same in the comments section.

Whether you choose to like, comment, share this or not, remember to stay home, stay safe! 🙂

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